He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
