i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize