pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
