My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize