After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
