When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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