This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
