Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
