i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize