My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize