took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
