you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
