last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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