I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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