She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
