I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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