Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
This baby is an asshole
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize