My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
