Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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