RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
