He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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