It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
