I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
My ATM looks so different sober.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize