you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
