I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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