I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Sorry about my life...
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
