I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
