Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
