3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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