He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
