Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
