He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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