I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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