my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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