yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
