So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
