tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
