I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
