***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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