I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
