Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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