i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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