gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
