I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
