Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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