drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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