I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
