Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize