we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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