If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
