I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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