I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
