But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
