If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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