I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize