there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
