I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
