i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
