3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
