Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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