He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
