Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
so let's talk penis.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
