Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
