if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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