My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
