Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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