He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize