ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
