I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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