when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize